I’m Still Here: Listen to Your Discernment

As I sit here on the eleventh day of October, I realize that every day this month, I’ve found myself reflecting on past trauma. I’ve had to speak to it, speak through it, talk about it with my therapist, and talk about it with God.

And I’m here to say: I’m still here.

Some days are better than others. And some days? My God.

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about abusive and violent relationships, and one thing we talked about is how people don’t always understand that abuse is not always physical.

Somebody can cut you down with their tongue. And if you’re not in the right headspace if you’ve been hearing those words long enough honey, they can cut you all the way up without ever putting their hands on you.

Bruises can heal. But that mental anguish? That psychological anguish? It can stay with you. And sometimes, out of nowhere, a memory will hit you.

The other day, I was sitting here minding my business when a memory popped into my head. I remembered a time when I owned a home with my so-called partner. Our home. Both of our names were on the deed and the mortgage.

We had a falling out, and I left. And y’all know how that cycle can go the crying, the apologies, the promises that make you come back.

But then this man thought he could cut me so deeply with his words that I would leave my own home so he could bring another woman into the house WE shared.

Think about that!

Then another memory comes back. Finding out he had been cheating and discovering there was an entire child I didn’t know about. We were still married.

And because he was angry about what I had to say after finding out what he had done, this man drove my car at 100 miles an hour with me in the passenger seat and our children in the back.

That was danger!

And when I look back now, I think about the things we sometimes tolerate from people who were never worthy of that kind of access to us.

And abuse didn’t only show up for me in a relationship with a man.

I remember leaving that relationship and later dating a woman. Over time, I started noticing things. She was condescending. She wanted control. There were signs.

Then one day, she became angry because my phone kept going off. I said a name, and somehow she decided that gave her permission to physically attack me.

I won’t go into the graphic details. I’ll just say it didn’t end well.

But we are both still here breathing.

And that’s why I need somebody to hear me when I say this: every little “joke” is not cute.

Playing with your time isn’t cute. Playing with your money isn’t cute. Playing in your face isn’t cute. Constant cheating isn’t cute. Controlling you isn’t cute.

Going through somebody’s phone is not a flex.

Knowing somebody’s passcode is not a flex.

Having to constantly prove where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing is not love.

You know what is a flex?

Your discernment.

That feeling in your spirit that keeps telling you something isn’t right. That feeling in your stomach telling you, “Girl, you are not safe here.”

Stop painting red flags with beautiful rainbows because you want the situation to be something other than what it is.

Honey, sometimes it is exactly what your spirit has been telling you it is.

Listen to your discernment. Listen to your gut. Pay attention when something inside of you keeps saying, this isn’t right.

And when an older woman who has lived a little, survived a little, healed a little, and learned a whole lot tries to tell you something honey, it’s not always hate.

Sometimes it’s love.

Sometimes we recognize something because we’ve already lived through what you’re just beginning to see.

So, during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I’m not speaking from a textbook. I’m speaking from experience.

I survived some things.

I’m healing from some things.

I’m still working through some things.

And after all of it, I am still here.

So listen to yourself. Listen to God. Listen to your discernment. And when something tells you that you are not safe, please don’t ignore it.

No survivor walks alone.

Y’all be safe out here in these streets. 💜