No Means No—Married or Not: TJ’s Story

TJ was 22 years old when DW walked into her place of business.

DW was 33 years old and a police officer. From the beginning, he pursued TJ relentlessly. Looking back, she recognizes his behavior for what it was: grooming. He continued pursuing her until she felt as though she had no choice but to give in.

Eventually, TJ agreed to go out with him.

They went on a few dates, and DW began showering her with gifts, flowers, attention, and all the things he knew would make her feel loved. He had been married before possibly more than once and he knew exactly how to present himself as the man TJ could trust.

Within six months of dating, they were married.

It was almost as if the moment the ink dried on their marriage license, DW changed.

The man TJ thought she had married became a monster.

DW began physically abusing her. He sexually assaulted her. And yes, sexual assault can happen within a marriage. Being married does not give someone unlimited access to their spouse’s body. When someone says no, it means no. Coercion is not consent. And sometimes, DW did not even bother with coercion. He simply took what he wanted from TJ.

He threatened her. He threatened her family.

TJ felt as though she couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. In her mind, she had gotten herself into this situation, so she believed she had to figure out how to get herself out of it.

It took her two years to make a plan.

And she knew she had to be careful because DW wasn’t just her abusive husband. He was a police officer. He knew the law. He knew the system. He knew how to use both to his advantage and he knew how to break the law.

TJ knew that if she was going to escape, she needed to get outside of his jurisdiction.

One day, after DW left the house, TJ moved in silence.

She packed what she could carry, and she left.

TJ moved two counties away. She changed her phone number. She changed cars. She couldn’t even safely put things in her own name. At different times, she relied on her sister, her mother, and friends to help her establish a life that DW couldn’t easily trace.

She did all of this just to have a little peace.

Then she filed for divorce.

But leaving didn’t mean the abuse was over.

DW stalked her relentlessly.

That’s something people need to understand about domestic violence: sometimes moving to another city, county, or even another state isn’t enough. A survivor can do everything possible to disappear, and an abuser who is determined to find them may continue searching.

For TJ, the danger was made even more frightening because DW was a police officer. Even with protective orders in place, she feared the connections he had with other officers and departments. She never knew who might know him, who might be watching, or who might tell him where she was.

One day, TJ went to a restaurant to get something to eat.

DW found her.

He attacked TJ and beat her so severely that he killed her.

After murdering TJ, DW took his own life.

TJ had done what survivors are so often told to do. She made a plan. She left. She moved away. She changed her phone number. She changed vehicles. She tried to hide her location. She filed for divorce. She sought legal protection.

And still, DW found her.

Her sister shared TJ’s story because she wants people to understand something that should never need explaining:

No means no.

Dating or married.

Living together or separated.

Yesterday’s yes does not mean yes today.

Marriage is not consent.

And leaving an abusive relationship does not always mean the danger has ended.

Please be careful. Take stalking and threats seriously. And when someone tells you they are afraid of their partner or former partner, believe them.

TJ’s sister would also like to thank everyone who has given her the space to share TJ’s story.

TJ deserved safety. She deserved freedom. She deserved the life she fought so hard to reclaim.

May her story be heard.